how do i start this off?
“this morning was good, and then i woke up.” - freaky friday
this weeks been pretty hard on me. the therapy is working..but something is still killing me inside. it all started when i talked to my mom and dad about the happy pills. after that..i just shut down. that’s all it took for me to just completely shut out every little happiness in me. why the fuck do i do that? its so annoying..
these “and then..and then..and then..” tapes keep running through my head, giving me anxiety attacks; even during school which is super scary. thats one of the last things i want is to have another panic attack at school.
i always feel down. always. and usually, i can hide it. but today..EVERYONE noticed i was down.
“hannah, whats wrong? hannah, tell me whats wrong”..
i looove that everyone cares, i just don’t wanna tell everyone my problems and whats going through my head..and then have everyone leave me.
ugh, i’m already crying..
so anyway, i was just having the ROUGHEST time today. so many small anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. i kept grabbing onto my wrists today..they were burning like hot sauce in open wounds. i finally got home after the hard day, and cried. cried so hard, i’ve had a migraine since 3:30.
i went and saw my therapist today. i seriously love her. shes such a sweetheart. shes helped me through everything. we talked about a lot. i’m really hoping i get better soon..
but there was one thing that DID make me happy today. ready? this is probably my favorite part….
Brian, a classmate of mine in my choir class, wrote a song, sang, and played guitar. it was an assignment for a guitar class he was in. i felt i could relate to that with all the songs i used to write way back when. it was about him going to Morocco island, Florida for spring break. he was SO good! ha i think he played 10x better than i’ll ever play on the guitar. it made me, my whole choir, and my director cry. but, the best part about this story? Brian is autistic. everyday, i’m always the first one who gets to choir class (not because i’m a nerd, but because my last class, gym, is right across the hall lol) and i can always count on Brian walking in behind me. that kid always has the biggest smile on his face, and its so contagious. hes always positive, too. when my choir messes up on a part of a song, hes always there to back us up with a “lets try that again, guys. we can do it!” or a “thats harder than it looks, but we’ll give it our best!” he always cares for others, too. theres a lot of people that make fun of Brian. i think thats where i can relate to him, too. i think his autism makes him a million times stronger and makes him who he really is. he has the drive for happiness in life i wish i had every single day. but Brian, don’t give up, kiddo. you are such a bright spirit. your positivity and love for life gives me hope.
mehh, tears! c’:
okay, good story? i think it was pretty decent.