i have a shit load to update from today.
but i’m on the phone with jorge right now.
then gonna go take a hot shower. i really could use one.
i hate the feeling you get after you’ve been crying for two hours..
be back later.
“what if she commits suicide?” “oh, well thats her problem. i don’t care.”
i think i hear this everyday. it makes my head numb and my stomach twist and turn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HEERR PROBLEM? YOU DON’T CARE?
sweetheart, i love you. but you can’t just say you don’t care about something that serious.
you say something like this..and i want to just scream and tell you how ignorant you sound..but then i just say quiet.
if only you knew how suicidal I REALLY WAS..maybe you’d care a little bit more..
do you know how serious suicide is? i know you’ve never thought a suicidal/depressed thought in your life, but saying something like that? not acceptable.
if only you could hear what comes out of your mouth.
i tried. i tried SO hard.
all day, i’ve put on this plastic smile. i finally stopped smiling when i found out i STILL didnt have jorge’s package..and of course i was on skype with him..he knew something was wrong. i told him i was okay :/ but i swear, its been shipped for over 5 days now! like, wtf mate?
anyways, i’m bawling my eyes out. i can’t stop. my breaths are getting shorter. i feel like its another panic attack..i can’t tell this time.
i dont want to go to school anymore. i want to lay in bed. smoke a cigarette. stop crying for at least 5 minutes. control my breathing. cut.
i’m not going to cut. i promised..
but do i need to? YES.
i haven’t cut in over 3 weeks..yay?
i’m done trying..so beyond done..
i don’t know if i can do this anymore. i NEED to cut. my wrists are burning because i’m NOT cutting.
addiction? yes. most definitely.
am i scared? out of my mind.
am i thinking of death, again?…yes.
do i care about what others will think when i’m gone? of course..
do i want to die? yes.
do i want to suffer? yes.
should these be the thoughts going through a 16-year-old’s head?
nope.
